My [Imaginary] Outburst-- A Quarrel With The Mind

It's been a while since I have posted anything here on my blog. This is not a dream like most of my posts. But something that took place in reality.

Last night (April 29, 2009), as I was lying on my bed, thoughts that never before entered my mind bothered me. Maybe because I had experienced for the first time the pain of losing someone that I truly loved, or maybe it wasn't.
I had a strange outburst in my mind. I didn't speak of it to anyone. I kept it in my head, fearing that the members of my family would think that I was delirious or crazy. They would never understand my words if I had dared uttered them.
The quarrel in my head went on for about two hours. It ended at 10:30 in the evening. After that, I slept and had a dream. But that is a different post for this blog.

Here, I will share a few of the things that were bothering my thoughts. I shall also include an account on what happened to me last night. There are also a few hints on why this happened.



"I shall ask for nothing more! There is nothing I desire! Nye! Nothing can fill the emptiness of my heart now!" thought I with a grimace.
I felt at rage and at the same time depressed. Nothing seemed to please me at the moment. Nothing made me smile. Not the slightest trace of happiness could be seen on my face that night.

"I have been bereft of my love. My hope refuses to be rekindled." said a voice in my head. "Faith is only thing that keeps me alive now."
"Faith? Are you sure about that?" asked another voice ironically.

These two voices, both with the same note and pitch in which only the emotion of how they spoke in my head was the only thing that made them seem different from each other, were quarreling in my head!
I'll call them Voice1 and Voice2. OK, so maybe those names won't win me an award for "Best Names Chosen For Imaginary Voices", but at least they're... um... casual [?].

-Voice2 speaks first followed by Voice1-

"No. Of course not! I know you well enough to know that you have doubts about your own faith."
"Of course you know me well enough! We're ONE! But no. You are wrong about me having doubts about my faith."
"Well, if you say so! But I still know what your heart desires. See here, you're talking nonsense now. Ever since you got your heart broken, you act as if life is about to end as we know it! What happened to the girl who once promised herself that she would never let love ruin her?"
"Love has not ruined me. It has merely changed me a bit. That's all."
"A bit? A BIT? Are you kidding me?! You're not you anymore! You cry yourself to sleep thinking about HIM! You try to drown yourself with your books to forget about HIM. But it only makes you more sad when you read something that makes you remember all the moments you had together. What's worse is that you even tried to kill yourself, and you tell me that you've only changed a BIT?!"

Voice1 mutters something inaudible as if talking to herself. (Strange to think that a voice in my HEAD talks to itself).
I went to my room where no one could here me and said these to myself (and also to the two voices):

"I take no heed for my earthly desire to find the one who will be true anymore! Everything I see now seems useless and vague compared to what awaits me after I leave this mortal world.
Einstein was correct. He said, 'There are only 2 things that are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe.' I fully support that statement of his, especially the part about humans."

I took a deep breath and went to my bed. Suddenly, I started crying. I knew that I still loved HeartKeeper so much.
This is the first time in such a long time that I have spoken of HeartKeeper. But yes. It is true. The two of us had to go our separate ways. It was the best for both of us.

-Another talk between Voice1 and Voice2. Voice1 speaks first-

"Oh! I was a fool! I loved him so, but why did I let him go?"
"The two of you made the right decision. It's for the best. Both of you will finally be able to concentrate on your studies now."
"No! That was not his reason!"
"No?"
"He said that he didn't understand me anymore."
"So?"
" 'So?' It's probably because he doesn't love me anymore! Oh! I am a fool! Such a fool!"
"Shut up! You are not a fool. He is!"
"But no. I cannot change anything now. It is over!"
"Listen to yourself! You shouldn't say things like that."
"I don't know who I am anymore."
"Remember Natasha Rostov, the central female character of War and Peace, the novel in which your father got your name?"
"Yes."
"Well, think about it. Your life is almost like hers."
"How so?"
"She falls in love for the first time; her first kiss. All this happened to her before her 14th name day. And did this happen to you, too?"
"Um, yes."
"She gets heart broken before her 15th name day. And this has happened to you, too."
"Yes. It has."
"Natasha's ending was a happy one. She found her true love. And you will, too. Trust yourself and have hope. Believe..."

The voices disappeared. My tears were still running down my cheeks. I was crying heavier. Then I went to my room again, and started to speak once more. Now with more tears in my eyes.

"If my friends heard the quarrel in my head, would they think that I was crazy? Or would they help me? For me, it's likely the first one. None of them ever accepted me for who I was. They tell other people lies about me. Some of them want me to change. If they saw me talking like this now, they would cast me aside like an outcast! They would never understand."

I dried my tears and started singing the chorus of the song I'm Still Here (Treasure Planet theme song) sang by John Rzeznik.

"I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on,
And feel I belong.
How can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same.
They don't know me
'Cause I'm not here"

I really loved the song and sang into the bridge.

"They can't tell me who to be
'Cause I'm not what they see
Yeah, the world is still sleeping while I keep on dreaming for me
And their words are just whispers and lies that I'll never believe."

But the part of the song that I really love is located in the first verse.

"... You don't know me, and I'll never be what you want me to be..."

After singing from my heart, I went back to bed, prayed, and was finally able to sleep.
Right now, it's raining. My day hasn't gotten better. But now, my hope is back and I'll never lose it again.